Every time something good happens in my life, I immediately get scared. I get scared because i’ve been here too many times, I get scared because every time something good happens, there is almost a guarantee that it won’t last.
I thought this time was different though, I thought this time that this was real and that this will last. But how come I have this feeling again? how come you’re still here, but I feel as if you’re gone? how come I already feel heartbroken even when you haven’t broke my heart? how come I can’t help myself but cry when I think of you gone? how come I have gotten so used to this feeling that i immediately assume the worst in everything?
I honestly hate it. I hate it so much. It hurts and i can’t help it. As must as I try to be positive, I just can’t. I think it’s because i’ve honestly been hurt too many times in my past that I can’t help but think that it’s going to happen again.
I’m so scared , in fact, I am so terrified. That feeling of your heart being broken into a million pieces is honestly the worst feeling in the world and I wouldn’t even wish it upon my worst enemy. Sometimes, I just wish I could stop feeling.
My heart, my poor heart.. I really wish i could protect you, but i can’t and I’m sorry.
I know commitment is something that comes with time, at different stages of life, people’s sense of commitment changes as people are maturing and placing priorities in different order. I am not mad that you said that you weren’t ready to commit. But just know that, i will not wait for you. I will not wait for the day that you are ready to commit, ready to realise my worth and that you made a mistake. I will not. Instead, i will move on, because the moment you said that you weren’t ready to commit, i knew that i was not a priority for you. When someone’s put so much effort and time into loving you and all you can say back is ‘i am not ready to commit’- it honesty hurts, it hurts because all along i had serious commitment issues, but i was willing to commit to you because i loved you, i put you as my priority. Maybe one day we will meet again and you’ll come to me and say that you are ready. But maybe i will say i’m not, not because i am not ready to commit, but because you are no longer my priority.
I’m a mess, I’m a complete mess, but I’m a beautiful mess. I know my flaws and I know my weaknesses, I know that I will never be perfect and I know that life isn’t supposed to be perfect. I know that not everyone will like me for who I am and that those who I love may not love me back. I know that I can be too harsh on others and I know that all my problems in my life are mainly caused by my own thoughts and by overthinking. In other words, I have created myself into a mess.
But you know what?
That’s life and I have gotten to appreciate the fact that I am a mess. I used to think of the term ‘mess’ in a negative light, I always thought of it as a flaw and I always tried to find an excuse as to why I am always in a mess. But as I learned more about myself, I started to realise that this ‘mess’ that I refer to is not a bad thing, in fact, it is who I am. I am a beautiful mess because I know that the mess that I am in is exactly defining who I am, without all this mess, I would not be me. This mess is what makes me stronger, it is what shapes me as a person and it is what I have come to realise as being the real value of life.
She didn’t want to leave, but you gave her no choice.
Trust me, leaving was the hardest thing and the last thing she wanted to do. That feeling of hugging and kissing you and not wanting to let go was the most painful feeling ever, because after that, she knew she had to leave and that she had to completely erase you out of her life.
You may have felt a little surprised and even a little sad when she finally made the decision to leave for good, but trust me; leaving you completely broke her heart into pieces. She was the type of girl who went the extreme; she would either love you with all her heart and soul or completely shut you out, because she could never simple stay friends with someone she loved.
She wasn’t stupid, but you thought she was. You played games with her and thought that she would always be by your side no matter what happened. All along she understood what was happening and she read you like an open book, she knew she was getting used and she knew nothing would last. But she still held on so tight because that feeling she felt was something so special and she couldn’t imagine losing it. Deep inside she knew it wasn’t real, but she wanted to believe that it was because that was the only thing special she had in her life.
Everyday I have to remind myself that I only have this one life to live, so what am I going to do with it?
Growing up, I’ve always envisioned myself living an extraordinary life, a life that is not mundane and a life that is fulfilling. A life in which I can look back and say, ‘I really lived my life to the fullest potential and I do not regret anything about it’.
Everyday that goes by is a day gone, it is a day that you will never have again, it is a day that will be considered the past and whether you do something extraordinary or not, it is still a day gone. I have to constantly remind myself that today is the youngest that I will ever be and that if I want something, then today is the day to do it or to work towards it. Don’t say that ‘I’ll start tomorrow’ or that ‘I’ll start soon’, do it now, go get it now, because the ‘now’ is the only thing that you have at this present moment. One massive thing that I’ve learnt in my life is that time is way too precious and valuable for you to simple watch it pass away.
The main difference to those who succeed in life compared to those who don’t, is that those who succeed are constantly living in the present, they are focusing on what they can do in the present and are actively working towards something every single minute of their life. Why? Because they realise how important living each day is and how the creation of ones life is simple based on the decisions that the individual decides to do each day. It is how one handles the precious time that they are given and how they maximise that time by living to their fullest potential.
I am in the process of figuring out how to achieve this extraordinary life that I desire, I know it won’t be easy and life isn’t meant to be easy. But the least we can do is try, because if I try then at least I can say to myself in the future that I don’t regret anything and that I lived my life to its fullest.
Have you ever felt that feeling in your heart, as if you got stabbed with a knife a million times, it’s a sharp and piercing feeling, a feeling that you just can’t comprehend with words alone.
It hurts, my heart hurts, once again, I let my wall down and you managed to break my fragile heart. You not only broke my heart, but you also betrayed me. I cried, I screamed and I blamed the universe for always letting me fall into the same place again. But deep inside, I know it’s my fault. It’s my fault for never letting you go, it’s my fault for knowing my worth yet letting you treat me like I was worthless, it was my fault for constantly being scared to lose you. But in the end, I still lost you. I just don’t understand how someone can treat another human being like that, how could you treat me like I was nothing when all I wanted to be was your everything.
I think the worse part of all is that I held onto this ‘hope’ for so long, this hope that you would become better, this hope that maybe everything could work out and this hope that you loved me. You played with my mind and you knew what you were doing the whole time. I hate you for that, I really do, but I hate myself more for even feeling anything for you. You don’t deserve my tears and you definitely don’t deserve my heart.
She didn’t want your money, your house or your car. All she wanted was your love and time. She wanted to know that you cared and that the way you treated her was special and actually meant something. She pretended that you never meant anything to her because deep inside, she knew that she would be so broken if you didn’t feel the same towards her. She’s clearly been there before and since then; she has built a barrier that is so high that even she can barely see the end of it. She pretended that she was independent and never needed a guy in her life. To others, she seemed like she was always happy because she would never dare to show her dark side to anyone else. But in reality, she was broken, she was complicated and she had a mind that no one would ever understand completely. She desired love so much, but at the same time she feared it twice as much. But as you started to give her more hope, her broken heart and mind was also slowly getting shattered again, because in her life, every high came with a terrifying low.
You never put in the effort to get to understand her from a deeper level; you never seemed to care about her past even when she clearly wanted you to know. It was always small talk and nothing more. You found her simple and fun at first, but slowly, she started to show her vulnerable side to you and started to question your feelings and thoughts. You would occasionally open up, but only when she asked you to, you became scared and so you slowly drifted away from her. Not because you wanted to, but because you felt like you would not be able to ever understand her mind. It was all too much for you because all you wanted was a girl who was simple.
She would have given you everything, because she was a hopeless romantic and when she loved, she would love with all her heart and soul. But you would never know, because all you ever gave her was small talk and things that never mattered. You will never know how hard she struggled to contain the love that she wanted to give you. You will never know how much you meant to her and you will never know how she was simple until she met you.
What is success to me?
Success to me is waking up everyday feeling nothing but genuine happiness. The feeling of when I just can’t stop laughing and smiling for no apparent reason other than, my life is so amazing.
How am I going to achieve that though?
That leads me to the question of what makes me genuinely happy. Happiness for me is living a life where I am surrounded be genuine friends who provide me with great company and laughter, it means having a partner who is loyal, giving, grateful and loves me unconditionally in which I love unconditionally back. It means knowing that my family is happy and healthy, it means having the ability to spoil my family and friends because I know that they deserve it. It means having a stable job that I am passionate about and can truly say that ‘I love my job’. That to me is called a successful and happy life. I know many people would mention things like traveling the world, owning a nice car and house, having a million dollars etc.. of course those would be nice to have in life, but to me, that would be considered a bonus. Those are the ‘wants’ in my life, but are definitely not considered as my ‘necessities’ in my success.
In order to achieve success, you must understand that you are the creator of your life and therefore, everything starts with you. It starts with how you think, how badly you want something and how you are going to act upon that thought. In my opinion, I believe that life is a combination of thoughts, actions and fate. For instance, if you keep thinking of wanting to become richer in terms of money, but you don’t want to work or do anything that could possibly made you money, then how is it possible for you to become richer?
Thoughts, actions and fate all work together to create the ultimate success.
So what would you describe success as?
My first heartbreak was the worst and also the best thing that has ever happened to me. It was the worst because I was thought I couldn’t live without him, I thought that I would never be able to smile again, I thought I would never see the sun the same anymore and I thought that I would never be able to fall in love with another human being again. It pulled me all the way from feeling like I was on cloud nine, to all the way down to rock bottom and beneath. It made me suffer from depression and social anxiety for one and half years. It made me fear of ever letting my heartbeat again for another guy. It made me see the world and the people in this world in a whole new light. It made me heartless and it made me selfish.
But, it was the best thing that had ever happened because it taught me how strong I really am. For the longest time that I can remember, I was miserable and everyday I woke up feeling like there was no purpose to my life. I don’t think there is a worse feeling than that, it was horrible, I felt so lonely even if a room full of friends surrounded me. This kind of feeling continued for one and a half years, and then suddenly one day, I said to myself that ‘this is enough, I hate this feeling and I want to live again’. From that day onwards, I tried my best to live for myself and I promised myself that I would never allow myself to be heartbroken by another human being. But, it also made me realise that if I could rebuild myself from something like this, I could conquer anything in life.
Although it definitely made me a strong independent person, sadly, my heart still stays closed and I don’t think that I could ever let my heart open completely again. It hurts and it sucks, but that’s life. I think the world we live in is full of people who fear of committing and are scared to show their true emotions because most people deep down have been so hurt and broken before that they rather not take the risk again.
Its Saturday night and I’m all alone in my room instead of going out like all my other friends. Why? Because I feel like it and I listened to what my body wants. My body is exhausted and all I want is to stay in bed, watch a movie and sleep early. If we rewind to a few years ago, I would most likely go out because I felt like I would be missing out on something or that I should because everyone else is. Now, I simply live for myself. I’ve realised how the life you have right now is completely controlled by yourself and it is your choice of whether you want to do something and not the choice of others. Although everyone knows that this life we have is ours, how many actually live life for themselves? How many actually do things because they themselves want to and not because of the influence of others? And how many people can say that they are truly happy because they are living for themselves?
Most people are living a life that is neither authentic nor pure because they are too focused on what other people think or what other people are doing. In the end of the day, your life is in your own hands and what you do with it should be based on your own decisions.