I hate this feeling

Every time something good happens in my life, I immediately get scared. I get scared because i’ve been here too many times, I get scared because every time something good happens, there is almost a guarantee that it won’t last.

I thought this time was different though, I thought this time that this was real and that this will last. But how come I have this feeling again? how come you’re still here, but I feel as if you’re gone? how come I already feel heartbroken even when you haven’t broke my heart? how come I can’t help myself but cry when I think of you gone? how come I have gotten so used to this feeling that i immediately assume the worst in everything?

I honestly hate it. I hate it so much. It hurts and i can’t help it. As must as I try to be positive, I just can’t. I think it’s because i’ve honestly been hurt too many times in my past that I can’t help but think that it’s going to happen again.

I’m so scared , in fact, I am so terrified. That feeling of your heart being broken into a million pieces is honestly the worst feeling in the world and I wouldn’t even wish it upon my worst enemy. Sometimes, I just wish I could stop feeling.

My heart, my poor heart.. I really wish i could protect you, but i can’t and I’m sorry.


She wasn’t stupid; she just loved you too much

She didn’t want to leave, but you gave her no choice.

Trust me, leaving was the hardest thing and the last thing she wanted to do. That feeling of hugging and kissing you and not wanting to let go was the most painful feeling ever, because after that, she knew she had to leave and that she had to completely erase you out of her life.

You may have felt a little surprised and even a little sad when she finally made the decision to leave for good, but trust me; leaving you completely broke her heart into pieces. She was the type of girl who went the extreme; she would either love you with all her heart and soul or completely shut you out, because she could never simple stay friends with someone she loved.

She wasn’t stupid, but you thought she was. You played games with her and thought that she would always be by your side no matter what happened. All along she understood what was happening and she read you like an open book, she knew she was getting used and she knew nothing would last. But she still held on so tight because that feeling she felt was something so special and she couldn’t imagine losing it. Deep inside she knew it wasn’t real, but she wanted to believe that it was because that was the only thing special she had in her life.

My heart hurts


Have you ever felt that feeling in your heart, as if you got stabbed with a knife a million times, it’s a sharp and piercing feeling, a feeling that you just can’t comprehend with words alone.

It hurts, my heart hurts, once again, I let my wall down and you managed to break my fragile heart. You not only broke my heart, but you also betrayed me. I cried, I screamed and I blamed the universe for always letting me fall into the same place again. But deep inside, I know it’s my fault. It’s my fault for never letting you go, it’s my fault for knowing my worth yet letting you treat me like I was worthless, it was my fault for constantly being scared to lose you. But in the end, I still lost you. I just don’t understand how someone can treat another human being like that, how could you treat me like I was nothing when all I wanted to be was your everything.

I think the worse part of all is that I held onto this ‘hope’ for so long, this hope that you would become better, this hope that maybe everything could work out and this hope that you loved me. You played with my mind and you knew what you were doing the whole time. I hate you for that, I really do, but I hate myself more for even feeling anything for you. You don’t deserve my tears and you definitely don’t deserve my heart.

You made her complicated

IMG_5684She didn’t want your money, your house or your car. All she wanted was your love and time. She wanted to know that you cared and that the way you treated her was special and actually meant something. She pretended that you never meant anything to her because deep inside, she knew that she would be so broken if you didn’t feel the same towards her. She’s clearly been there before and since then; she has built a barrier that is so high that even she can barely see the end of it. She pretended that she was independent and never needed a guy in her life. To others, she seemed like she was always happy because she would never dare to show her dark side to anyone else. But in reality, she was broken, she was complicated and she had a mind that no one would ever understand completely. She desired love so much, but at the same time she feared it twice as much. But as you started to give her more hope, her broken heart and mind was also slowly getting shattered again, because in her life, every high came with a terrifying low.

You never put in the effort to get to understand her from a deeper level; you never seemed to care about her past even when she clearly wanted you to know. It was always small talk and nothing more. You found her simple and fun at first, but slowly, she started to show her vulnerable side to you and started to question your feelings and thoughts. You would occasionally open up, but only when she asked you to, you became scared and so you slowly drifted away from her. Not because you wanted to, but because you felt like you would not be able to ever understand her mind. It was all too much for you because all you wanted was a girl who was simple.

She would have given you everything, because she was a hopeless romantic and when she loved, she would love with all her heart and soul. But you would never know, because all you ever gave her was small talk and things that never mattered. You will never know how hard she struggled to contain the love that she wanted to give you. You will never know how much you meant to her and you will never know how she was simple until she met you.