Little do they know

Her smile touched the darkest lights

But little did they know

She was waiting to be touched

To be saved from the darkest of them all

Her smile was all she knew

To cover her broken heart

To mend the stabbing pain

To never lose track of who she wants to be

Because she keeps smiling

And she will keep on smiling

Till the lights are real and the sun is all she can see.

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Something in me is missing, but I don’t know what it is..

Do you ever get that feeling where nothing is wrong in your life, but you feel as if something is missing or that it just doesn’t seem right? I find myself constantly asking myself, ‘is this all there is to life?’ because I can’t imagine living the rest of my life like this. I want something so spectacular in life, I want to feel alive and I want to live a life full of abundance. I just don’t know where to go or what to do yet. I am doing everything that I can, but this feeling inside of me won’t go away. I guess when that feeling goes away one day.. then i’ll finally know why.

The moment you let yourself express your emotions is the moment you gain happiness and clarity.

I’ve never been the type of person to express all my emotions and feelings. I’ve never been the type of person to cry in front of someone or to let my vulnerable side to show. I guess I always wanted to show the best side of me and to let everyone think that I had it all, that my life was perfect. But, I think the fact that I tried so hard to keep everything together made it worse. It made me feel trapped, it made me feel alone and it made me unhappy. I never understood how it felt to feel free, to feel alive and to allow myself to feel vulnerable. But this time, I let myself go. I let myself feel all the emotions and feelings that came after a heartbreak. This time, I let myself hurt and I let myself cry and I let myself to be vulnerable in front of everyone. I openly expressed my feelings to those who are close to me and I openly allowed myself to feel hurt and to admit that I was not ok.

It was the best decision that i’ve ever made. Sure, I was hurt and I did cry a lot and I did scream and blame the world for putting me into this place again. But it was different, I felt a sense of relief afterwards. I felt alive and I felt as if this was an opportunity for me to finally let go of everything and to heal for once and for all. To allow myself to be truly happy and to stop being alone, to stop blaming others for the loneliness that I felt in the past because I know all along it was my fault. I made myself to be lonely, I was the only to shut people out because I couldn’t bare the fact of anyone seeing me vulnerable. But I love it now, I love how there are people who are genuinely there for me when I am vulnerable and it makes me realise how truly blessed I am. It makes me realise that being vulnerable and needing help from those who you love is truly living. To let yourself feel so much and to allow yourself to express what you feel is honestly one of the most purest forms of living. So don’t be afraid of expressing your emotions and your deepest fear, because I promise you, the only way you are ever going to be happy is to let yourself to express freely.

What the phrase ‘i’m not ready to commit does’ to a person

I know commitment is something that comes with time, at different stages of life, people’s sense of commitment changes as people are maturing and placing priorities in different order. I am not mad that you said that you weren’t ready to commit. But just know that, i will not wait for you. I will not wait for the day that you are ready to commit, ready to realise my worth and that you made a mistake. I will not. Instead, i will move on, because the moment you said that you weren’t ready to commit, i knew that i was not a priority for you. When someone’s put so much effort and time into loving you and all you can say back is ‘i am not ready to commit’- it honesty hurts, it hurts because all along i had serious commitment issues, but i was willing to commit to you because i loved you, i put you as my priority. Maybe one day we will meet again and you’ll come to me and say that you are ready. But maybe i will say i’m not, not because i am not ready to commit, but because you are no longer my priority. 

I’m a beautiful mess.

IMG_1431I’m a mess, I’m a complete mess, but I’m a beautiful mess. I know my flaws and I know my weaknesses, I know that I will never be perfect and I know that life isn’t supposed to be perfect. I know that not everyone will like me for who I am and that those who I love may not love me back. I know that I can be too harsh on others and I know that all my problems in my life are mainly caused by my own thoughts and by overthinking. In other words, I have created myself into a mess.

But you know what?

That’s life and I have gotten to appreciate the fact that I am a mess. I used to think of the term ‘mess’ in a negative light, I always thought of it as a flaw and I always tried to find an excuse as to why I am always in a mess. But as I learned more about myself, I started to realise that this ‘mess’ that I refer to is not a bad thing, in fact, it is who I am. I am a beautiful mess because I know that the mess that I am in is exactly defining who I am, without all this mess, I would not be me. This mess is what makes me stronger, it is what shapes me as a person and it is what I have come to realise as being the real value of life.

My heart hurts

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Have you ever felt that feeling in your heart, as if you got stabbed with a knife a million times, it’s a sharp and piercing feeling, a feeling that you just can’t comprehend with words alone.

It hurts, my heart hurts, once again, I let my wall down and you managed to break my fragile heart. You not only broke my heart, but you also betrayed me. I cried, I screamed and I blamed the universe for always letting me fall into the same place again. But deep inside, I know it’s my fault. It’s my fault for never letting you go, it’s my fault for knowing my worth yet letting you treat me like I was worthless, it was my fault for constantly being scared to lose you. But in the end, I still lost you. I just don’t understand how someone can treat another human being like that, how could you treat me like I was nothing when all I wanted to be was your everything.

I think the worse part of all is that I held onto this ‘hope’ for so long, this hope that you would become better, this hope that maybe everything could work out and this hope that you loved me. You played with my mind and you knew what you were doing the whole time. I hate you for that, I really do, but I hate myself more for even feeling anything for you. You don’t deserve my tears and you definitely don’t deserve my heart.

My first heartbreak shaped me into who I am today

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My first heartbreak was the worst and also the best thing that has ever happened to me. It was the worst because I was thought I couldn’t live without him, I thought that I would never be able to smile again, I thought I would never see the sun the same anymore and I thought that I would never be able to fall in love with another human being again. It pulled me all the way from feeling like I was on cloud nine, to all the way down to rock bottom and beneath. It made me suffer from depression and social anxiety for one and half years. It made me fear of ever letting my heartbeat again for another guy. It made me see the world and the people in this world in a whole new light. It made me heartless and it made me selfish.

But, it was the best thing that had ever happened because it taught me how strong I really am. For the longest time that I can remember, I was miserable and everyday I woke up feeling like there was no purpose to my life. I don’t think there is a worse feeling than that, it was horrible, I felt so lonely even if a room full of friends surrounded me. This kind of feeling continued for one and a half years, and then suddenly one day, I said to myself that ‘this is enough, I hate this feeling and I want to live again’. From that day onwards, I tried my best to live for myself and I promised myself that I would never allow myself to be heartbroken by another human being. But, it also made me realise that if I could rebuild myself from something like this, I could conquer anything in life.

Although it definitely made me a strong independent person, sadly, my heart still stays closed and I don’t think that I could ever let my heart open completely again. It hurts and it sucks, but that’s life. I think the world we live in is full of people who fear of committing and are scared to show their true emotions because most people deep down have been so hurt and broken before that they rather not take the risk again.

Living for yourself and only yourself

Its Saturday night and I’m all alone in my room instead of going out like all my other friends. Why? Because I feel like it and I listened to what my body wants. My body is exhausted and all I want is to stay in bed, watch a movie and sleep early. If we rewind to a few years ago, I would most likely go out because I felt like I would be missing out on something or that I should because everyone else is. Now, I simply live for myself. I’ve realised how the life you have right now is completely controlled by yourself and it is your choice of whether you want to do something and not the choice of others. Although everyone knows that this life we have is ours, how many actually live life for themselves? How many actually do things because they themselves want to and not because of the influence of others? And how many people can say that they are truly happy because they are living for themselves?

Most people are living a life that is neither authentic nor pure because they are too focused on what other people think or what other people are doing. In the end of the day, your life is in your own hands and what you do with it should be based on your own decisions.

Hope is the only thing keeping us going

IMG_7529.jpgHope is the only thing keeping us going

Although I would think of myself as a strong independent woman, in reality, I am not. The amount of times that I have thought of just giving up is actually ridiculous. When life becomes hard or if I encounter any little obstacle I just think of giving up. But keep that in mind, I only ‘think’ of giving up but I never do.

What keeps me going then?
It’s the idea of hope. I am not religious in any way; however, I do believe that there is a superior being that guides us in our everyday lives. We’ll at least I hope there is. The only thing that keeps me going everyday is this idea of hope. The hope that life will get better, the hope that ‘God’ has plans for me and that everything I’m doing now is because I’m supposed to. I mean, doesn’t it just make you feel so much better and more at ease knowing and ‘hoping’ that everything at the end of the day will be just fine. Whenever I think that life is going downhill, I always have this little hope inside of me thinking and believing that everything is only going to be better. So I encourage you all to hope a little more and to give up a little less because life is definitely not easy, but it’s the things you hope for that makes it worth it.

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