I know commitment is something that comes with time, at different stages of life, people’s sense of commitment changes as people are maturing and placing priorities in different order. I am not mad that you said that you weren’t ready to commit. But just know that, i will not wait for you. I will not wait for the day that you are ready to commit, ready to realise my worth and that you made a mistake. I will not. Instead, i will move on, because the moment you said that you weren’t ready to commit, i knew that i was not a priority for you. When someone’s put so much effort and time into loving you and all you can say back is ‘i am not ready to commit’- it honesty hurts, it hurts because all along i had serious commitment issues, but i was willing to commit to you because i loved you, i put you as my priority. Maybe one day we will meet again and you’ll come to me and say that you are ready. But maybe i will say i’m not, not because i am not ready to commit, but because you are no longer my priority.
I’m a mess, I’m a complete mess, but I’m a beautiful mess. I know my flaws and I know my weaknesses, I know that I will never be perfect and I know that life isn’t supposed to be perfect. I know that not everyone will like me for who I am and that those who I love may not love me back. I know that I can be too harsh on others and I know that all my problems in my life are mainly caused by my own thoughts and by overthinking. In other words, I have created myself into a mess.
But you know what?
That’s life and I have gotten to appreciate the fact that I am a mess. I used to think of the term ‘mess’ in a negative light, I always thought of it as a flaw and I always tried to find an excuse as to why I am always in a mess. But as I learned more about myself, I started to realise that this ‘mess’ that I refer to is not a bad thing, in fact, it is who I am. I am a beautiful mess because I know that the mess that I am in is exactly defining who I am, without all this mess, I would not be me. This mess is what makes me stronger, it is what shapes me as a person and it is what I have come to realise as being the real value of life.
Have you ever felt that feeling in your heart, as if you got stabbed with a knife a million times, it’s a sharp and piercing feeling, a feeling that you just can’t comprehend with words alone.
It hurts, my heart hurts, once again, I let my wall down and you managed to break my fragile heart. You not only broke my heart, but you also betrayed me. I cried, I screamed and I blamed the universe for always letting me fall into the same place again. But deep inside, I know it’s my fault. It’s my fault for never letting you go, it’s my fault for knowing my worth yet letting you treat me like I was worthless, it was my fault for constantly being scared to lose you. But in the end, I still lost you. I just don’t understand how someone can treat another human being like that, how could you treat me like I was nothing when all I wanted to be was your everything.
I think the worse part of all is that I held onto this ‘hope’ for so long, this hope that you would become better, this hope that maybe everything could work out and this hope that you loved me. You played with my mind and you knew what you were doing the whole time. I hate you for that, I really do, but I hate myself more for even feeling anything for you. You don’t deserve my tears and you definitely don’t deserve my heart.
My first heartbreak was the worst and also the best thing that has ever happened to me. It was the worst because I was thought I couldn’t live without him, I thought that I would never be able to smile again, I thought I would never see the sun the same anymore and I thought that I would never be able to fall in love with another human being again. It pulled me all the way from feeling like I was on cloud nine, to all the way down to rock bottom and beneath. It made me suffer from depression and social anxiety for one and half years. It made me fear of ever letting my heartbeat again for another guy. It made me see the world and the people in this world in a whole new light. It made me heartless and it made me selfish.
But, it was the best thing that had ever happened because it taught me how strong I really am. For the longest time that I can remember, I was miserable and everyday I woke up feeling like there was no purpose to my life. I don’t think there is a worse feeling than that, it was horrible, I felt so lonely even if a room full of friends surrounded me. This kind of feeling continued for one and a half years, and then suddenly one day, I said to myself that ‘this is enough, I hate this feeling and I want to live again’. From that day onwards, I tried my best to live for myself and I promised myself that I would never allow myself to be heartbroken by another human being. But, it also made me realise that if I could rebuild myself from something like this, I could conquer anything in life.
Although it definitely made me a strong independent person, sadly, my heart still stays closed and I don’t think that I could ever let my heart open completely again. It hurts and it sucks, but that’s life. I think the world we live in is full of people who fear of committing and are scared to show their true emotions because most people deep down have been so hurt and broken before that they rather not take the risk again.
Its Saturday night and I’m all alone in my room instead of going out like all my other friends. Why? Because I feel like it and I listened to what my body wants. My body is exhausted and all I want is to stay in bed, watch a movie and sleep early. If we rewind to a few years ago, I would most likely go out because I felt like I would be missing out on something or that I should because everyone else is. Now, I simply live for myself. I’ve realised how the life you have right now is completely controlled by yourself and it is your choice of whether you want to do something and not the choice of others. Although everyone knows that this life we have is ours, how many actually live life for themselves? How many actually do things because they themselves want to and not because of the influence of others? And how many people can say that they are truly happy because they are living for themselves?
Most people are living a life that is neither authentic nor pure because they are too focused on what other people think or what other people are doing. In the end of the day, your life is in your own hands and what you do with it should be based on your own decisions.
Hope is the only thing keeping us going
Although I would think of myself as a strong independent woman, in reality, I am not. The amount of times that I have thought of just giving up is actually ridiculous. When life becomes hard or if I encounter any little obstacle I just think of giving up. But keep that in mind, I only ‘think’ of giving up but I never do.
What keeps me going then?
It’s the idea of hope. I am not religious in any way; however, I do believe that there is a superior being that guides us in our everyday lives. We’ll at least I hope there is. The only thing that keeps me going everyday is this idea of hope. The hope that life will get better, the hope that ‘God’ has plans for me and that everything I’m doing now is because I’m supposed to. I mean, doesn’t it just make you feel so much better and more at ease knowing and ‘hoping’ that everything at the end of the day will be just fine. Whenever I think that life is going downhill, I always have this little hope inside of me thinking and believing that everything is only going to be better. So I encourage you all to hope a little more and to give up a little less because life is definitely not easy, but it’s the things you hope for that makes it worth it.
It wasn’t until recently that I discovered how powerful our minds were. The saying that ‘it’s all in your head’ actually holds a lot more meaning than you may think. The way our life is, the way our emotions change and the way we think is all controlled by our mind. Sometimes, wait no..most of the time, events that happen are exaggerated in our minds and we tend to stress over things that usually never happen. It is crazy how different your life can become once you start to understand this and to use it to your advantage. For instance, most of the time before bed I start to worry about things that don’t even exist or start to think of all the ‘what if’ questions. Whenever this happens now, I have to tell myself mentally that none of this will happen and me worrying or wasting my time thinking about it right now is not going to change or impact anything. Instead, I should focus on the present and do more of what will actually impact my life in a positive way. So why not worry less and let whatever happen to occur naturally.
People tend to spend 85% of their time worrying about things that don’t ever end up happening. Now think about how much time you have spent worrying and think about how valuable time in life is. Time is definitely something that cannot be bought with money, because time is everything. Time is your most valuable asset in life, because today is the youngest you will ever be from today and once it’s gone, it’s gone. So, lets all train our minds to live in the present and to alter it so that whenever something negative comes to mind, ask yourself this question, ‘is this worth my valuable time?’
We often hear the phrase ‘you have to learn to love yourself in order to love someone else’.
From a young age, I always wondered what this meant. I was so naïve growing up, that I would question things like, ‘why wouldn’t you love yourself though?’
It was not until I had my first heartbreak that I fully understood what this meant. I started to blame myself for everything and somehow convinced myself that I was not worthy of love. I realised the importance of loving yourself because you simply cannot offer someone else love if you have not loved yourself first. Eventually I came to the realisation that, if you, yourself does not believe that you are worthy of love. Then maybe you’re not, because no one will love someone who thinks that they cannot be loved. It is quite simple if you think of it in that sense.
Loving yourself goes beyond simply ‘treating yourself’ through pampering and materialistic wants, instead, it is how you decide to treat yourself mentally and physically. Mentally, I had to remind myself that there are 7 billion people in this world and not everyone is going to love you, which is reality. But, the least you can do is simply love yourself, because you are unique, because you are different, because you have a heart that has not given up on you and so why should you give up on loving yourself? There are literally so many reasons as to why you should love yourself, yet, why do people forget this?
Physically, i had to realise that my health is in my own hands and that i owe myself a healthy and active lifestyle because the only reason that i am able to breathe and walk everyday is because my body loves me and believes that i am worthy of feeling alive. Hence, it is little things like getting up each morning, eating a healthy breakfast, going for a jog and smiling everyday that makes the biggest difference. That is what i call loving yourself, because you realised that you are worthy of smiling and that you are worthy of living. Eventually, you will realise that you have an abundance of love in your life that was there all along.
In this life, we are only given this one body and this one heart with this one mind. If we choose to hate ourselves, then that’s a life full of hate. But, if we choose to love ourselves, then that’s a life full of love. Then why choose to hate? Why choose to be upset if we can choose to be happy?
In this life, lets all be a little selfish and choose to be happy and love ourselves unconditionally… because that’s definitely my plan.
Lets be honest, no one has his or her life together.
Throughout my teenage years, one common phrase that I always heard was ‘I really need to get my life together’ or simply ‘I need to get my shit together’. Its quite funny how this phrase eventually became a catch phrase for myself, at any moment that I thought my life wasn’t ‘perfect’ I would think to myself ‘ok, I really need to get my life together’. But what happened was, one day I was on my way to work on the train. I remember I was thinking about how terrible my life was, because I was not sure what I wanted to do for my career, was unsure of who my close friends was, was living a life where everyday was so repetitive and boring and was in a toxic relationship that held no meaning. Then something hit me, it was like a sudden hit of realisation. Yes, my life was a mess…and you know what, not much has changed since then. But what changed was my mindset, I no longer think to myself that ‘I have to get my shit together’ or ‘I need to get my life together’. Why? Because I finally figured that no one has their life together because who knows what that even is? Who can truly say that their life is perfect, I mean, surely we all have moments where we think our lives are perfect. But how long does that last? I can confidently say, not a lifetime. Because, that’s life, life comes with ups and downs and life is a constant journey of figuring out your shit and trying to get your ‘life together’. I mean, without that, what would life be? Without all the ‘struggles’ and ‘getting my life together moments’ how would we truly appreciate and cherish the better times in life?
Personally, I believe in timing more than anything. I think there is definitely a time and place for everything and that everyone has a different life, hence, things all happen at different times. I was reading this quote online one day and it really enlightened me and allowed me to feel more at ease with everything that was going on in my life. The quote wrote
‘You’re not behind in life. There’s no schedule or timetable that we all must follow. It’s all made up. Wherever you are right now is exactly where you need to be. Seven billion people can’t do everything in exactly the same scheduled order’. Read this and re read it until it is embedded in your mind because in todays era, most people forget this and become upset or frustrated because certain things are happening to others and not them.
I completely understand that living in this day and age, it is so hard to try and ignore all these ‘societal expectations’ because everyone on social media seems to be living the ‘perfect life’ and when you look at yourself you wonder why your not like them. But one thing you have to remember is that, you can never truly have your life together and life will never be perfect. It will only be truly perfect when you stop focusing on it and living each day in the present and moment. Realising that what is meant to be, will come at the right time and right place. Be patient, smile a little more and keep being you.