Something in me is missing, but I don’t know what it is..

Do you ever get that feeling where nothing is wrong in your life, but you feel as if something is missing or that it just doesn’t seem right? I find myself constantly asking myself, ‘is this all there is to life?’ because I can’t imagine living the rest of my life like this. I want something so spectacular in life, I want to feel alive and I want to live a life full of abundance. I just don’t know where to go or what to do yet. I am doing everything that I can, but this feeling inside of me won’t go away. I guess when that feeling goes away one day.. then i’ll finally know why.

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The moment you let yourself express your emotions is the moment you gain happiness and clarity.

I’ve never been the type of person to express all my emotions and feelings. I’ve never been the type of person to cry in front of someone or to let my vulnerable side to show. I guess I always wanted to show the best side of me and to let everyone think that I had it all, that my life was perfect. But, I think the fact that I tried so hard to keep everything together made it worse. It made me feel trapped, it made me feel alone and it made me unhappy. I never understood how it felt to feel free, to feel alive and to allow myself to feel vulnerable. But this time, I let myself go. I let myself feel all the emotions and feelings that came after a heartbreak. This time, I let myself hurt and I let myself cry and I let myself to be vulnerable in front of everyone. I openly expressed my feelings to those who are close to me and I openly allowed myself to feel hurt and to admit that I was not ok.

It was the best decision that i’ve ever made. Sure, I was hurt and I did cry a lot and I did scream and blame the world for putting me into this place again. But it was different, I felt a sense of relief afterwards. I felt alive and I felt as if this was an opportunity for me to finally let go of everything and to heal for once and for all. To allow myself to be truly happy and to stop being alone, to stop blaming others for the loneliness that I felt in the past because I know all along it was my fault. I made myself to be lonely, I was the only to shut people out because I couldn’t bare the fact of anyone seeing me vulnerable. But I love it now, I love how there are people who are genuinely there for me when I am vulnerable and it makes me realise how truly blessed I am. It makes me realise that being vulnerable and needing help from those who you love is truly living. To let yourself feel so much and to allow yourself to express what you feel is honestly one of the most purest forms of living. So don’t be afraid of expressing your emotions and your deepest fear, because I promise you, the only way you are ever going to be happy is to let yourself to express freely.

Heartbreaks will always hurt.

It all feels too familiar and maybe it is, because this feeling in your heart is something that you can’t simply forget. Even though I can forget memories, I just can’t seem to forget this familiar feeling of a million stabs in my chest, in my heart. I’d like to think that from all the pain and heartbreaks that I have overcome in the past, that this time it would be easier and less painful.

But it happened again and as much as I’d like to say that it is easier, it really isn’t. The pain that you get in your heart is something that you can’t control, it isn’t controlled by your mind and that is something that I had to realise and come to terms with. The feeling you get in your heart is not logical and it is not something that you can often find a reason for. It just happens. Just like love and heartbreak, it just happens. Although it doesn’t get easier, the way you handle it can certainly make it easier. This time, although the emotional pain hurt just as much as every other heartbreak, I can say that I am in a much better state of healing than I ever have been. This time, I realised that I didn’t completely lose myself and I think the reason why it takes so long for many people to heal is because they often lose who they are. They forget who they were before they met the person who broke their heart. They forget how they used to act and they forget how to survive alone. I guess, through this heartbreak I learnt how strong I really have become and how the best thing after a heartbreak is to just get up and move on. To realise a heartbreak is actually the start of something new and that it only gets better from here. One thing that always gets me through my hard times in life is realising that, if this is what I call an ‘all time low, then it can only go up from here‘. You may be sad right now and you may feel as if you have no purpose to live on. But that’s just your mind trying to find a reason for the pain that you’re feeling in your heart, but it’s not logical and it’s not real. Trust that things will get better and that a heartbreak is not necessarily a bad thing, think of it as a new beginning, a chance to improve yourself and a chance to change your life to the way you want it to be.

Never let a heartbreak break you, always look forward and never back.

I hate this feeling

Every time something good happens in my life, I immediately get scared. I get scared because i’ve been here too many times, I get scared because every time something good happens, there is almost a guarantee that it won’t last.

I thought this time was different though, I thought this time that this was real and that this will last. But how come I have this feeling again? how come you’re still here, but I feel as if you’re gone? how come I already feel heartbroken even when you haven’t broke my heart? how come I can’t help myself but cry when I think of you gone? how come I have gotten so used to this feeling that i immediately assume the worst in everything?

I honestly hate it. I hate it so much. It hurts and i can’t help it. As must as I try to be positive, I just can’t. I think it’s because i’ve honestly been hurt too many times in my past that I can’t help but think that it’s going to happen again.

I’m so scared , in fact, I am so terrified. That feeling of your heart being broken into a million pieces is honestly the worst feeling in the world and I wouldn’t even wish it upon my worst enemy. Sometimes, I just wish I could stop feeling.

My heart, my poor heart.. I really wish i could protect you, but i can’t and I’m sorry.

What the phrase ‘i’m not ready to commit does’ to a person

I know commitment is something that comes with time, at different stages of life, people’s sense of commitment changes as people are maturing and placing priorities in different order. I am not mad that you said that you weren’t ready to commit. But just know that, i will not wait for you. I will not wait for the day that you are ready to commit, ready to realise my worth and that you made a mistake. I will not. Instead, i will move on, because the moment you said that you weren’t ready to commit, i knew that i was not a priority for you. When someone’s put so much effort and time into loving you and all you can say back is ‘i am not ready to commit’- it honesty hurts, it hurts because all along i had serious commitment issues, but i was willing to commit to you because i loved you, i put you as my priority. Maybe one day we will meet again and you’ll come to me and say that you are ready. But maybe i will say i’m not, not because i am not ready to commit, but because you are no longer my priority. 

I’m a beautiful mess.

IMG_1431I’m a mess, I’m a complete mess, but I’m a beautiful mess. I know my flaws and I know my weaknesses, I know that I will never be perfect and I know that life isn’t supposed to be perfect. I know that not everyone will like me for who I am and that those who I love may not love me back. I know that I can be too harsh on others and I know that all my problems in my life are mainly caused by my own thoughts and by overthinking. In other words, I have created myself into a mess.

But you know what?

That’s life and I have gotten to appreciate the fact that I am a mess. I used to think of the term ‘mess’ in a negative light, I always thought of it as a flaw and I always tried to find an excuse as to why I am always in a mess. But as I learned more about myself, I started to realise that this ‘mess’ that I refer to is not a bad thing, in fact, it is who I am. I am a beautiful mess because I know that the mess that I am in is exactly defining who I am, without all this mess, I would not be me. This mess is what makes me stronger, it is what shapes me as a person and it is what I have come to realise as being the real value of life.

She wasn’t stupid; she just loved you too much

She didn’t want to leave, but you gave her no choice.

Trust me, leaving was the hardest thing and the last thing she wanted to do. That feeling of hugging and kissing you and not wanting to let go was the most painful feeling ever, because after that, she knew she had to leave and that she had to completely erase you out of her life.

You may have felt a little surprised and even a little sad when she finally made the decision to leave for good, but trust me; leaving you completely broke her heart into pieces. She was the type of girl who went the extreme; she would either love you with all her heart and soul or completely shut you out, because she could never simple stay friends with someone she loved.

She wasn’t stupid, but you thought she was. You played games with her and thought that she would always be by your side no matter what happened. All along she understood what was happening and she read you like an open book, she knew she was getting used and she knew nothing would last. But she still held on so tight because that feeling she felt was something so special and she couldn’t imagine losing it. Deep inside she knew it wasn’t real, but she wanted to believe that it was because that was the only thing special she had in her life.

Every single day that goes by is a day gone.

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Everyday I have to remind myself that I only have this one life to live, so what am I going to do with it?

Growing up, I’ve always envisioned myself living an extraordinary life, a life that is not mundane and a life that is fulfilling. A life in which I can look back and say, ‘I really lived my life to the fullest potential and I do not regret anything about it’.

Everyday that goes by is a day gone, it is a day that you will never have again, it is a day that will be considered the past and whether you do something extraordinary or not, it is still a day gone. I have to constantly remind myself that today is the youngest that I will ever be and that if I want something, then today is the day to do it or to work towards it. Don’t say that ‘I’ll start tomorrow’ or that ‘I’ll start soon’, do it now, go get it now, because the ‘now’ is the only thing that you have at this present moment. One massive thing that I’ve learnt in my life is that time is way too precious and valuable for you to simple watch it pass away.

The main difference to those who succeed in life compared to those who don’t, is that those who succeed are constantly living in the present, they are focusing on what they can do in the present and are actively working towards something every single minute of their life. Why? Because they realise how important living each day is and how the creation of ones life is simple based on the decisions that the individual decides to do each day. It is how one handles the precious time that they are given and how they maximise that time by living to their fullest potential.

I am in the process of figuring out how to achieve this extraordinary life that I desire, I know it won’t be easy and life isn’t meant to be easy. But the least we can do is try, because if I try then at least I can say to myself in the future that I don’t regret anything and that I lived my life to its fullest.

My heart hurts

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Have you ever felt that feeling in your heart, as if you got stabbed with a knife a million times, it’s a sharp and piercing feeling, a feeling that you just can’t comprehend with words alone.

It hurts, my heart hurts, once again, I let my wall down and you managed to break my fragile heart. You not only broke my heart, but you also betrayed me. I cried, I screamed and I blamed the universe for always letting me fall into the same place again. But deep inside, I know it’s my fault. It’s my fault for never letting you go, it’s my fault for knowing my worth yet letting you treat me like I was worthless, it was my fault for constantly being scared to lose you. But in the end, I still lost you. I just don’t understand how someone can treat another human being like that, how could you treat me like I was nothing when all I wanted to be was your everything.

I think the worse part of all is that I held onto this ‘hope’ for so long, this hope that you would become better, this hope that maybe everything could work out and this hope that you loved me. You played with my mind and you knew what you were doing the whole time. I hate you for that, I really do, but I hate myself more for even feeling anything for you. You don’t deserve my tears and you definitely don’t deserve my heart.

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